British Phlegm

It always seems to be the same - every New Year, I get ill.

Two years ago I dragged myself out of bed for dinner with friends after Debrah had had to do all the preparation and cooking and then went straight back to bed when they went off to the nightclub after.

So when I awoke last Monday with a niggly throat and a bit of a cough, I feared the worst and I can't tell you what Debrah said but she wasn't much amused.

My girls had arrived the day before and we had guests leaving and arriving and rooms to change and preparation to do for a New Years Eve dinner and New Years Day wine tasting and supper. I did my best to balance the work, spending time with the girls and trying to rest my illness, but these things generally just run their course anyway and I just hoped I would survive the two evenings in jovial enough mood to fulfil my client entertaining duties.

It's a nasty bug - not really a cold, more of a bronchial infection - there's a bit of catarrh but mostly lots of violent phlegmy coughing that leaves you with a tight chest, a sore back and a lack of breath. Several disturbed nights and a few boxes of tissues later and it finally appears to be easing one week on. I know, I'm not unique - most people I know, in both the UK and France, have either had something similar or have it still. In fact the only person who hasn't is Debrah, which is a relief.

On the basis that nothing gets done if you sit around recovering - even if you haven't fully recovered - I set off at 9.00am this morning with my 'livebox' in a bag and headed for the France Telecom office in a second bid to solve the permanently engaged landline. It was a good move because there was nobody else there and I got to see the technician pretty much straight off. Did it solve the problem? - well, partly.

Apparently I had my system all wired up wrong all along - oh yes. It may have worked perfectly well for two years as I had it set up but that is the reason that it isn't working now. Despite my protestations - and my French was in inspired, if somewhat croaky and interrupted by coughing, good form this morning - the technician assured me that it was certainly just good luck that it had worked so far. A priceless, classic French answer to a problem - it was in fact my fault for setting the whole thing up in accordance with the instructions that came in the box!

Sadly, my French wasn't good enough to say that I had missed the bit where it said that it would stop working after two years and then I needed a new bit of cable and to wire the whole thing up in a different way - he probably wouldn't have appreciated the humour anyway.

At least he gave me, rather than sold me, the new bit of cable that I needed. When I got back I re-wired the system in the new configuration and prayed that it would all come back on line - I really couldn't have coped if the internet hadn't worked. It did and miraculously so did the telephone. At least I can now dial out but when I try to dial in I still have the engaged tone - aaarrrrggghhhhh.

That is just typical - half a solution to the problem - all of which means that I will have to take it all back to France Telecom again tomorrow and show them a bit more British phlegm.

It's got to be just a big job creation scheme - hasn't it?